Congratulations on your decision to join the Conservative Rightwing Australia Party (CRAP), our nation’s foremost assembly of conservative intellectuals, the spiritually pure, people who misspell ‘halal’, Nazi memorabilia collectors, and 22-year-old virgins who wear bow-ties. As the leader of our great party, I am honoured to have you in our ranks, and I look forward to seeing you at one of our many great book burnings and other social events.

Senator Cory Bernardi, CRAP leader

– join the –

Conservative Rightwing Australia Party

By submitting this form you agree to the terms below.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

Please be aware that your membership comes with certain terms and conditions attached. By joining our movement, you agree to the following:

1. You understand that CRAP is a vital force in the defence of our nation. We need to use our status to spread CRAP around Australia.

2. You must be willing to spread CRAP to your friends, to your family and, especially, all over the internet.

3. You agree that the Age of Entitlement (AoE) is over, so long as the AoC refers to; 

a. single mothers;
b. homeless people;
c. pensioners; and
d. anyone who disagrees with CRAP and is, therefore, entitled.

4. The AoE does not extend to the true battlers of this country, which includes multinational corporations, right-wing media pundits and Senators.

5. You must agree that this country is built on free enterprise and daring entrepreneurship. As a result, you agree to refrain from ‘bludging’ by using taxpayer funded infrastructure such as:

a. roads;
b. schools;
c. hospitals;
d. the phone network;
e. the power grid;
f. the water grid;
g. the postal service;
h. any airport;
i. Wi-Fi (it was invented by communists at the CSIRO, you know);
j. the ABC (just kidding – you shouldn’t have any trouble avoiding that);

until such time as these services are liberated from the hands of the leeches and delivered into the wise hands of the market.

6. To any extent that Australia was built on any of the aforementioned institutions, you will counter by stating that private ownership would have made these institutions better, even though you are fighting to return Australia to the time when all of these institutions were in public hands.

7. You promise to claim to be an ‘outsider’ at all times, including when attending a garden party at Malcolm Turnbull’s residence.

8. You are strongly opposed to marriage equality, Safe Schools and the homosexual agenda at large, but see nothing strange about George Christensen MP,  posing in a singlet, with a whip coiled around his bare biceps.

9. You agree that everything that comes from CRAP is Common Sense, even that which is not common sense. Anything that isn’t Common Sense is Political Correctness Gone Mad, regardless of subject matter.

10. Anything Bill Leak publishes is free speech and must be protected. Anything Fairfax publishes is offensive and must be removed.

11. You pledge to be Open and Inclusive. For clarification this includes, but is not limited to, the following activities:

a. calling for the imprisonment of potential immigrants, based solely on their cultural heritage;
b. calling for cashless welfare cards for Indigenous Australians, based solely on their race; and
c. calling for racism to be stamped out, based solely on you being called an ‘angry white man’ that one time in a newspaper editorial.

12. You hate section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act, despite having never come into contact with it, or having it affect your life, in any way.

13. Clause 12 also applies to how party members should treat Muslim Australians. 

14. Clause 12 also applies to how party members should treat transgender Australians.

15. You agree that everything done by a government should be able to pass the ‘Pub Test’. You believe this, even though you think pubs are cesspools of dirt, sweat and promiscuity.

16. Notwithstanding clause 14, the ‘Pub Test’ need not be passed for decisions concerning:

a. the people in the pub wanting to unionise;
b. conservative parliamentary members’ travel expense claims; and
c. likening same-sex relationships to bestiality;

as these are all subject to Common Sense.

17. You believe that CRAP is the only outlet for your political ideology and shares absolutely no similarities with other reactionary movements such as:

a. the DLP;
b. One Nation;
c. The Shooters & Fishers Party; or
d. whatever Derryn Hinch is up to.

18. Most of all, you believe in the will of the Almighty Lord, the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, whose Word shall deliver you into Heaven, by which we mean Senator Cory Bernardi.